Thursday 15 July 2021

Sticks and stones may break my bones but ....

 Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

What a load of twaddle!  How naive, loved and protected from harm was I when as a young children we would taunt this in the school playground.  If only it were true and words never did hurt us, guided and steered us, kept us on the right path but never deep down hurt us.

I love words, I always have, possibly due to my maternal grandparents who introduced me to the card game Lexicon as a child and used to reward my brothers and I with books.  I love reading, word searches, scrabble, boggle, talking, the outdated art of writing letters to distant friends.  words are fun, they are exciting and within the English language there are so many of them.  A memory I have related to words is from when I was about five years old and my dad read out the clue he was struggling with from the Times crossword to me.  Much to his amazement I came out with the word Mephistopheles which happened to be the correct answer.  Being the loving dad he was he thought his only daughter was a genius, which I most definitely am not.  I just think it was a word I'd heard somewhere, liked it and had it rolling around my tongue at the right time. I loved words.  It was only as I got older that I began to discover how powerful words can be and the damage that misplaced words can cause.

During my school years I was never the most academic student my leaning was much more towards creative pursuits and reading for the pure joy of it.  English literacy lessons where  you had to read a book and then dissect it were painful, I just wanted to read a book and lose myself in it , not question every word the author wrote.  I digress. The power of words, not being the most academic it tended to be quite frequently written on my school reports "Andreana could try harder".  I can't remember this statement ever being accompanied by any useful advise or support on what I could do, just that I could try harder.  The consequence of this one short line is that to this day I am my own worst critic and can find myself concerned as to whether or not I have tried hard enough and sometimes even fighting a fear to try in case of failure.  There is an underlying fear of not being good enough that I battle with.  Thankfully this does not dominate my life as there are more loving, affirming and positive words spoken over me than there are negative ones.  This sadly is not the case for everyone though, people can be destroyed by words.  On asking, the little device in the corner of my room has informed me that it was the playwright Edward Bulwer-Lytton in 1839 that wrote the words "The pen is mightier than the sword".  I don't know his reason for writing these words but maybe it was pointing out that whereas a sword, like sticks and stones, inflict physical damage the damage from words can be long lasting.

 Words are powerful and the words that are written about us and spoken over and around us help to grow and shape us into the people we become.  Positive words, words of affirmation, caring, loving, supporting and trusting words all build us up giving us a sense of worth and value, a sense of purpose and belonging and so much more.   On the other hand though negative words, misplaced words, words of condemnation, cruel, vicious and hateful words can all destroy.  Words are powerful!  I can still hear my mum saying to me  "If you can't find anything nice to say don't say anything at all", and the words of a poster I recall giving to my son many years ago springs to mind too "Don't open your mouth before your brain is in gear".  These are sound words of advice carrying well into this day when demeaning, hurtful and hateful words seem to be so readily thrown around on social media platforms.  Sometimes, although still totally unacceptable behaviour, this may be thoughtlessly done in the pique of the moment or through ignorance of the harm that a word or expression may do.  Sadly though it seems that it is all to often done with the intent to hurt and discriminate with no care for the damage that may be done with those words.  

Currently we are hearing about the use of hateful, racially abusive words directed, by a minority, towards three admirable young men.  Young men that were gallantly representing their country in the Euro 2020 football final.   The game had gone to penalties with these three being among those going forward to take penalty shots.  They missed, losing England the match, they must have been devastated knowing what had been resting on their shoulders.  Fans were devastated too the trophy was not coming home, this is the closest England had been  to it for such a long time, it had been within touching distance and then gone.  I felt the lose and I'm not a football fan.  Disappointment is however no excuse for the racially abuse messages these young men received.  While it may only have been a minority acting in this way their deplorable words potentially had the power to destroy lives.  It is totally unacceptable that anyone is treated abusively or discriminated against and the majority were outraged at this behaviour displayed by a few.  Sadly though as people stood up in defence of these young men unintentionally others were getting hurt.  Words such as idiots, cretins and imbeciles were hurled as insults as people expressed their feelings about this abhorrent behaviour.  These words along with others that have merged into everyday language to be used in an insulting way have all in the past been medical terminology used to describe people with learning disabilities.   As understanding grows terminology may change but this doesn't make the words any less hurtful or demeaning when used without thought.  Words are powerful, words can hurt.  As Sammy, my daughter, was growing up and before Down’s Syndrome was widely known as Down’s Syndrome it was not unusual to hear the term Mongol or Mongoloid (the medical terminology used when I was given the diagnoses of Sammy’s condition) thrown out as an insult or used in a verbally abusive way in regard to someone’s behaviour or to simply to try and offend them.  I’m glad to say that use of this particular terminology in this manner  seems to have faded away.   The feelings evoked from the misuse of these words however runs deep and as a parent you grow broad shoulders and find inventive ways to protect your child from the damage that being the brunt of peoples jokes and fears and misunderstanding can cause.  Nobody wants their child growing up believing that in the eyes of society in general their lives are considered to be worth less than that of their siblings or anybody else's but this is what the thoughtless use of words can do. If  these words are not challenged  the negativity can seep deep into your fibre leaving tender wounds that may never completely heal.  

Words are powerful, words can hurt, destroy and discriminate and so often target the vulnerable and marginalised within society, those that can find using words a challenge, people that should be cared for and protected from their harm.  Words are powerful, words can hurt but the power of words can also be used to heal, praise, restore, build self-esteem and a sense of self-worth,  include, make welcome,  raise up,  affirm, bring joy, hope and love....... Words are powerful use them carefully.


1 comment:

  1. No truer words spoken! Like you, I've always had a love of words and language, and definitely more creative minded than mathematically minded. So when people use incorrect terminology and language around a Down Syndrome diagnosis, whether intentional or not, it really does hurt. One example is the first time I saw "dysmorphic features" written on Ada-Grace's medical records, it really cut deep, even more that the consultant who wrote it, couldn't understand why I was upset when I called to complain, replying "it is the correct medical terminology for the features". As you mentioned, you definitely need broad shoulders and thick armour when navigating parenthood with a little one with additional needs. It wasn't until I became Ada-Grace's mummy, that I truly saw just how horrible our 'civilised and modern' society can be to our most vulnerable.


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